
How to help a child eat dinner
As the parent of a fussy eater the dream is almost always that a child comes to the table happily, looks at their plate, says, “this looks delicious” and then tucks into whatever has been served with delight.
The daily reality is often far, far away from this. Many parents are stuck at either end of the binary spectrum, and often flip flop between the two. It’s either:
1. Serving only foods they like – an ever-repeating cycle of a few foods that a child comfortably eats.
2. Having an eat it or starve rule – there is a commonly held belief that children are merely being spoiled so serving them the family meal and saying “take it or leave it” shows them who is in charge and that eventually they will be hungry enough to eat.
I’m not fond of either of these options for a variety of reasons.
Why binary options may not help a child eat dinner
Just favourites:
1. Uninteresting – over time repetitive menus can become boring, and enthusiasm for eating reduces.
2. Lose skills – children may become used to only eating favourites and this makes branching out more challenging. They lose the confidence that something new will be manageable.
3. Different – a fussy eater becomes isolated from the rest of the family as they are eating different foods. Over time this reinforces negative messages about their capability.
4. Exhausting – as a parent making different meals is time consuming.
Eat or starve:
1. Miserable – no one enjoys coming to the table if there is nothing there they enjoy. This does not create a positive feeling about meals or eating. It can feel as though they are being punished for not eating well.
It may also make meals uncomfortable for everyone else if there is conflict or distress.
2. Hungry – going hungry is not positive, particularly if this is before going to bed. It can also mean a child gets used to not eating which can become habit.
3. Not building skills – if a child consistently not eating they can lose the confidence that they are able to do things and can participate.
Taking either of these opposing views is unhelpful. The reality is that the solution is somewhere in the fluffy middle-ground between the two extremes. There are not only two options, but three 😊.
Parents of course do want to help their child eat dinner but are stuck as to how to do this without resistance. A lengthy battle over food at the end of a long day, particularly if you have spent considerable time cooking, is not what any of us needs.
However, the longer we serve only certain foods, the more difficult it is to add new items to a child’s menu, so the harder it can be to make a change.
Fortunately, there are some great strategies for supporting a child to gently add new foods to their repertoire.
5 Strategies to help a child eat dinner
1. Involve them – the middle ground between ‘just serving favourites’ and ‘eat it or starve’ is to involve your child in the meal in whatever way you can but without serving them a separate meal.
This can take a bit of trial and error to make work and it’s often not ‘perfect’ but finding ways to compromise can make such a difference long term.
Perhaps it’s having some plain pasta alongside the lasagne or serving fruit as well as vegetables so a child can eat enough to be full.
There are many versions of how to do this and it’s one of the things I love personalising to a family and a child when I work individually with parents.
2. Model – every meal is an opportunity to show a child how to eat well. Food is about family and joy and traditions. Anchoring each day with a family meal, models eating variety and eating it pleasurably for our child.
It’s also important that we serve foods that we enjoy as well so we are setting the bar high for them to follow.
It is far more effective to follow an example than be told to do something. In busy lives this may not be everyone and it may not be every day.
However, a family meal is one child and one adult so it is something we can plan into our week.
3. Familiarity – eating confidence starts with a comfort level. We do not willingly eat something that is not familiar.
Learning to eat new foods starts with building that comfort level around them. The best way to achieve this is by having food served regularly to a child so they get used to it.
Even if a child is not eating the carrots or the chicken yet, they will still be more comfortable with those than another food that is not a normal part of the family dinners. For example, a Korean child may be far more comfortable with kim chi as they see it all the time.
Whatever we serve frequently will become more familiar and therefore easier to contemplate.
4. Believe – The power of a parent’s belief is not something that’s widely spoken about. But I have seen first-hand how powerful this can be, either positively or negatively.
We would never say ‘my child just isn’t any good at reading’ but we frequently hear ‘my child is a picky eater’. This is in effect, stating that they are not ‘good’ eaters.
It is also very easy to inadvertently stymie progress. “Oh, don’t bother putting olives on her plate, she’ll never eat them” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Children are looking to caregivers to understand what can be good, what to trust and how to behave. If we have every confidence our child can do something, over time, this gives them the confidence they can too.
Our unwavering faith in them to achieve, builds their own self-belief.
5. Serve it – serving what we want eaten is a critical part of expanding the variety of foods that a child eats.
If it is not on the plate it cannot get eaten! I speak to many parents who wish their children ate more veges. But they do not serve any veges, as the veges don’t get eaten…
To build confidence in a food the best results are when we are prepared to serve it, do it consistently and do it with confidence.
This does not mean wasting lots of food either. If it is part of the communal serving, then it gets eaten even if our child doesn’t partake.
Serving foods even if they are not eaten is important.
All of these strategies will help a child to eat dinner.
However, if your child is really hesitant around new foods it is going to take time, patience and a lot of love and energy!
If you’d like some help, we can tailor programs to suit your family and your child. We can also give you a lot of support as to how to find that lovely fluffy middle ground rather than being stuck at the extreme edges.
Please book in for a no-cost initial consultation: https://calendly.com/judith-23/bookatimewithjudith?month=2023-09
Judith, MA Cantab (Cambridge University), Post Grad Dip Psychology (Massey University), is an AOTA accredited picky eating advisor and internationally certified nutritional therapist. She works with 100+ families every year resolving fussy eating and returning pleasure and joy to the meal table.
She is also mum to two boys and the author of Creating Confident Eaters and Winner Winner I Eat Dinner. Her dream is that every child is able to approach food from a place of safety and joy, not fear.
Learn more about Judith here: https://theconfidenteater.com/about/