How your fussy eater may be doing way better than you realise
Today, I’d like to share a critically important message with you, through a story that one of the mums I worked with shared. Although this is a unique story, it is similar to many others I hear on a regular basis from the families that I work with.
And when I say critically important, I mean it. In fact, this is one of the most important things for parents of selective eaters to know!
So let’ look at this through the story of Marcus* and his mum.
Marcus is primary-school aged and found new foods very challenging. He also had a narrow list of foods he would generally be able to manage.
In this particularly instance, it was lunchtime on a Saturday, and mum was eating crumbed calamari. Marcus asked whether he could try the calamari. Mum said sure and he took a piece.
He put the piece on his plate and stared at it for about ten minutes. Finally, Marcus picked up the piece of calamari and took a tiny nibble of the crumb.
If this happened in your house what would your reaction be? Would you be disappointed? Would you be excited? Would you feel like this was just an example of false hope?
Let’s look at what Marcus did through the eyes of a feeding advisor …
Because this shows how your fussy eater may be doing way better than you realise
On the surface it may not seem as though what Marcus did was a ‘win’ at all. In fact, many parents would have seen this as anything from frustrating to a disaster.
However, from my point of view I see this as really exciting. Marcus is also communicating a whole host of messages – that we just need to know how to interpret.
In fact, because fixing picky eating can be a real challenge it is critical that you do not miss cues that tell you your child is making progress.
Unfortunately, we are not taught to look for the subtle signs that say our hard work supporting a child to eat more widely and well is working.
Most parents look for the obvious – that their child is eating a new food – and for sure that is a great sign! But often there are many other little clues along the way that you miss. If you do not see or acknowledge these, two problems arise:
1. It’s a handbrake. You often stop doing things that are working as you are not seeing progress (that looks the way you think progress should look aka ‘eating a new food’).
2. It’s demoralising. You often get disillusioned as you stop believing that your child is going to get better, is going to be able to eat more.
Are you crushed by the weight of your child’s fussy eating and feeling like nothing is getting better?
If so, read on as you may find that positive signals are being sent, they are just in a different language!
How your fussy eater may be doing better than you realise
Let us go back to the story of Marcus and the calamari.
It would be so simple to write this off as a fail as Marcus did not eat the calamari. Our thinking has been coloured to see eating as the only sign of success, but that is far too simplistic.
There are many, many steps to eating, and putting it in the mouth and swallowing is the last.
The calamari success from the point of view of a feeding advisor:
1. Volunteering to taste. Marcus asked to try something. That is huge. A child voluntarily asking for a new food is a big step forward. It means they are:
i) Interested. Asking to try something beyond a favourite shows a level of interest and that they are aware of foods that are beyond what is right there in front of them on their own plate.
ii) Some confidence. They have a certain level of confidence. If the food was too scary to tackle, there is no way they would be asking to try.
iii) Branching out. The food is something different so wanting to branch out shows you maybe they are not quite as fixed on the same foods as you think.
2. On his plate. Marcus put the food on his plate. For a lot of picky eaters this is a big step in itself. Having something new on the plate can be a real challenge.
3. Ongoing consideration. Marcus left the food on his plate for about ten minutes without interacting with it. Now, I can appreciate how this seems like a bad sign. However, if you could see inside Marcus’ head you would probably see him building up the courage to take the next step.
It is really common (and perfectly normal) to ask for a food and then not be able to eat it. Maybe your child asks you to buy something from the supermarket or order a new item in a café or wants something they don’t normally eat when at home.
Your child plucks up the courage to ask for something a little, or even very, different. Then, when faced with actually eating the food it becomes overwhelming.
I know in this scenario it can be so tempting to jump in (particularly if it’s a $ 15 watermelon, for example) and say something like ‘well, you chose it, so eat it’. Unfortunately, this usually puts your child under pressure and may turn them away from eating, rather than helping them to do so.
Instead in Marcus’s case, his mum left him to make the decision on his own and did not focus on what he was doing. This gave Marcus the time to think through whether he was ready to take the next step or not. It also gave him space to build up extra courage.
4. Getting food to the mouth. Marcus put the calamari up to his lips. This alone is a big step.
As putting something new in the mouth is a often a real challenge for food hesitant children, even if he had not eaten any I would have seen this as a big win.
5. He bit it! Marcus took a bite from the crumb. I appreciate this was not devouring the whole piece of calamari and then asking for more (which for many people would have signified true success). But being able to take a small piece – even just of the coating – shows Marcus has a comfort level with the new food. Yes, it was just the crumb this time, but it paves the way for future positive steps forwards.
Now I’ve described what happened through my eyes, would you see what Marcus did as a win?
Words of experience
I always look at the long-term implications of what is happening.
The calamari story for me shows a level of confidence, interest and comfort that I was sure was going to lead to success over time for Marcus and his family.
Indeed, this did happen quite quickly as the following week Marcus asked to try a pork chop with apple sauce. He accepted a tiny piece of pork on his plate and licked the apple sauce from the top.
Bonus points for spotting where the positives are in this scenario!
Acknowledging how your fussy eater may be doing well
Appreciating what progress is and understanding what is happening inside your child’s head in regards to eating, can be a really crucial part of the process of resolving picky eating.
If you see the calamari scenario as a win it:
a. Shows you that whatever you are doing is working!
b. That your child is making progress, even if they are not eating new foods.
c. Gives you the positive feedback you need to keep going – fixing fussy eating really can be a long and demoralising road, particularly if you are missing the positive signs.
Now you have read this do you think you will see your child’s eating/progress differently? Is your fussy eater doing way better than you realise?
(*name changed for privacy)
Judith, MA Cantab (Cambridge University), Post Grad Dip Psychology (distinction), Massey University, is an AOTA accredited picky eating advisor and internationally certified nutritional therapist. She works with 100+ families every year resolving fussy eating and returning pleasure and joy to the meal table.
She is also mum to two boys and the author of Creating Confident Eaters and Winner Winner I Eat Dinner. Her dream is that every child is able to approach food from a place of safety and joy, not fear.
Learn more about Judith here: https://theconfidenteater.com/about/