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Who is in charge?

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Who is in charge?

There are many times when I am debating an issue with my boys and start to wonder who is in charge!!

We have raised these fabulous children full of independent thoughts, intelligence, spirit, and the ability to analyse and argue a point. Then they take those skills and turn them on us 😊

When it comes to the eating realm the effect seems to magnify, particularly when a child is little in age or weight or stature. Feeding can become an area where we gradually start to give over control.

It often happens without us even realising it and is always done with the best of intentions:

1. Volume – If a child is not eating what we deem enough we bend over backwards to support them to do this. Often putting them in charge.

2. Discomfort – If a child finds food uncomfortable, we want to make it easy for them. We do not want to see them anxious around meals or worry whether they will manage the lunchbox. Often putting them in charge.

3. Social occasions – If a child struggles to eat when away from home, we want to make things easier for them. Often putting them in charge.

We blink and suddenly they seem to be in charge of eating!

This can be really challenging, particularly if we want to make changes because *cough*, hello, who is in charge?

Who is in charge – and where and why?

Establishing who is in charge and of what can be a simple way to begin changing where the power lies.

Who’s in charge when we have a fussy eater?, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodFussyEaters, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodPickyEaters #TryNewFoods, #TheConfidentEater, #FussyEatingNZ, #HelpForFussyEating, #HelpForFussyEaters, #FussyEater, #FussyEating, #PickyEater, #PickyEating, #SupportForFussyEaters, #SupportForPickyEaters, #CreatingConfidentEaters, #TryNewFood #PickyEatingNZ #HelpForPickyEaters, #HelpForPickyEating, #Wellington, #NZ, #JudithYeabsley

1. Shopping – I am in charge of what I buy. My boys are absolutely allowed input but final decision –me! The choice as to what gets eaten really can start this early in the process.

2. Menu planning – I plan what is on the menu and again I am really happy with suggestions, but control is in my court. Even with a super fussy eater in the house, it is still important that parents decide what gets dished up.

3. What’s served – I serve what I feel is a balanced meal. However, I also consider everyone’s tastes. It is important that everyone comes to the table happily so there have to be foods served that they enjoy.

Within a meal we can usually tick boxes for everyone, including very picky eaters. Maybe that is having some plain pasta, rice, or bread, alongside the mains and sides that they can manage.

Who’s in charge when we have a fussy eater?, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, rolls with meal #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodFussyEaters, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodPickyEaters #TryNewFoods, #TheConfidentEater, #FussyEatingNZ, #HelpForFussyEating, #HelpForFussyEaters, #FussyEater, #FussyEating, #PickyEater, #PickyEating, #SupportForFussyEaters, #SupportForPickyEaters, #CreatingConfidentEaters, #TryNewFood #PickyEatingNZ #HelpForPickyEaters, #HelpForPickyEating, #Wellington, #NZ, #JudithYeabsley

4. What’s eaten – My family decides what to eat from what I serve. Once I have made sure there is something everyone can manage on the table, I am able to step back and focus on my meal.

5. No swaps – What is served is what is available. There is no requesting things other than what is on the table. If I have served pasta, chicken and stir fry veg, I will not be bringing out a hot dog as well, on demand 😊 Especially not on demand!

6. Timing – I decide when meals are. Obviously, as my boys get older this becomes more open to discussion but maintaining structure around food is a key way we can support our child to eat well, happily and over time in a balanced way.

This is just as important for older children as they do start to seek independence.

However, all of these actions begin to put us in charge.

Why who is in charge is important

Changing how we respond to complaints, or even reducing those complaints to begin with is supportive. Using positive language around food is always a win.

I find that creating family guidelines around meals is really helpful. Following the points above these could look like:Who’s in charge when we have a fussy eater?, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, buying fruit, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodFussyEaters, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodPickyEaters #TryNewFoods, #TheConfidentEater, #FussyEatingNZ, #HelpForFussyEating, #HelpForFussyEaters, #FussyEater, #FussyEating, #PickyEater, #PickyEating, #SupportForFussyEaters, #SupportForPickyEaters, #CreatingConfidentEaters, #TryNewFood #PickyEatingNZ #HelpForPickyEaters, #HelpForPickyEating, #Wellington, #NZ, #JudithYeabsley

1. Shopping – I do the buying. Studies done in the UK have found that parents who buy less snacky items and more fruit and vegetables for their toddlers, do end up with children that eat more greens.

I appreciate there are children who have limited diets but even then, what we eat will have a long-term impact on what they do. The more we model, the more likely they are to follow.

2. Menu planning – I decide on the menu. I know that often it seems easier to just ask what a child wants to eat and to give them that, particularly when faced with children who repeatedly refuse what we serve. But long term (or even short term) this leads to more restrictive eating.

Who’s in charge when we have a fussy eater?, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, cornflakes, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodFussyEaters, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodPickyEaters #TryNewFoods, #TheConfidentEater, #FussyEatingNZ, #HelpForFussyEating, #HelpForFussyEaters, #FussyEater, #FussyEating, #PickyEater, #PickyEating, #SupportForFussyEaters, #SupportForPickyEaters, #CreatingConfidentEaters, #TryNewFood #PickyEatingNZ #HelpForPickyEaters, #HelpForPickyEating, #Wellington, #NZ, #JudithYeabsley

If I ask a child who eats cornflakes or toast for breakfast, “what do you want for breakfast?”, they are unlikely to say, “eggs and bacon”. Asking a child can inadvertently narrow their choices, particularly when they are in a ‘food jag’ so want the same thing over and over.

A better strategy is to have a consistently rotating menu. Even with a child that really struggles with variety it is important to serve alternating options.

3. What’s served – I decide what’s served. This does not have to be a favourite food, just one that is manageable. It is providing foods that are within the comfort zone for a child, and some of those may not be top of the list.

In a busy family no one can expect their favourite every night. If we do eat like this, we will also find that over time those choices start to lose their appeal. They may even be dropped as an option.

4. What’s eaten – My family decides what to eat from what I serve. I am of course, still able to exert control here because I am in charge of how much of everything lands on the table.

Who’s in charge when we have a fussy eater?, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, bread rolls, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodFussyEaters, #WhoIsInChargeOfFoodPickyEaters #TryNewFoods, #TheConfidentEater, #FussyEatingNZ, #HelpForFussyEating, #HelpForFussyEaters, #FussyEater, #FussyEating, #PickyEater, #PickyEating, #SupportForFussyEaters, #SupportForPickyEaters, #CreatingConfidentEaters, #TryNewFood #PickyEatingNZ #HelpForPickyEaters, #HelpForPickyEating, #Wellington, #NZ, #JudithYeabsley

If I do not want my boys to scoff ten rolls, I won’t serve that many! I learned this very early on and funnily enough it was my middle-aged ‘boy’ who was the worst offender …

5. No swaps – Once it is on the table, that is all there is. Having a firm rule around that really helps to prevent swaps at the table or wanting more of the favourite food at the expense of everything else at the table.

6. Timing – I decide what times meals are. Having regular meals is a really easy way to encourage better eating habits. It also brings family members together, even if that is not everyone, which is encouraging communal eating. Over time this does support better eating.

Where to from here?

If you do have a child who is in charge, or more in charge than you would like, pick one thing from the list, and start to make the decisions again.

Let me know how you go. Is it easy to do or are you coming up against resistance and complaints?

Judith, MA Cantab (Cambridge University), Post Grad Dip Psychology (Massey University), is an AOTA accredited picky eating advisor and internationally certified nutritional therapist. She works with 100+ families every year resolving fussy eating and returning pleasure and joy to the meal table.

She is also mum to two boys and the author of Creating Confident Eaters and Winner Winner I Eat Dinner. Her dream is that every child is able to approach food from a place of safety and joy, not fear.

Learn more about Judith here: https://theconfidenteater.com/about/

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