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A must read for parents of fussy eaters

Blogs, Creating Confident Eaters, Family support for picky eating, Picky eating support / By
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A must read for parents of fussy eaters!

One of the paradoxes of fussy eating is that change is usually not welcome. However, unless you make changes, they and you, are stuck. Without change there is no progress.

Which is all very well and good to say, but how exactly do you do this?

In today’s blog we are going to look at one of the ways you can ensure that your approach to food and feeding is supportive.

Changes like this can be essential foundational steps.

There are many great strategies for feeding but many of the ones that may improve eating can be less effective if your child feels pressured or if they are inadvertently in charge.

Fortunately, there are some simple ways that you can guard against these things and in so doing make other things you do more effective.

What is the must read?

One key but important component

Removing ourselves from the feeding relationship.

This is not something that is frequently discussed. In fact, often the opposite advice is dispensed. You are told how to get your child to do this or that. Therefore, much of the advice revolves around us ‘being in the middle of that feeding relationship’.

This operates on many levels. Ideally, for your child to have a long-term positive relationship with food and feeding, they must be able to manage internal cues and eat for intrinsic reasons.

If they are eating for external reasons (for example, taking another bite, as instructed) this may inadvertently be preventing your child from building a long-term internal trust around food for themselves.

Internal confidence and trust are a key part of leaving picky eating behind.

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If your child is a fussy eater, you often feel as though you have to do more to support them. And this is largely true. However, it also depends on what that looks like in practice. If it means you are featuring more heavily in the middle of the feeding relationship – therefore in between your child and their food – it’s generally unhelpful.

Let’s look at some specific actions to explain this and explore what this may look like in your house:

1. Micromanaging v choice – having a fussy eater, aside from being enormously frustrating, can also be worrying. They eat a narrow diet and often it’s not comprised of the foods that you know are optimal for nutrition.

To ‘help’ you often resort to micromanaging. This is where you are attempting to determine what your child should eat. For example, “have a nibble on this broccoli before you have more bread”.

Instead of micromanaging, consistently serving what you want eaten, while at the same time putting more choice in a child’s hands is generally better for long-term better eating.

I know the first thing you may be thinking is “but then they will only eat the bread”. And that may be the case to begin with.

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However, is you hovering and dictating every bite working? If the answer is yes, you probably wouldn’t be reading this 😉

Also, micromanaging may enable some short-term wins, but long-term it doesn’t build a love of a wide variety of foods.

It also removes agency from your child. They lose the ability to make decisions as all the important ones are being decided by the parent. What then happens if you aren’t there – as will be the case when they are older?

2. Bribing v autonomy – I know that bribing is often recommended as a good way to enable a picky eater to eat more of the foods you’d like them to eat.

However, I find that bribery firstly can escalate (who holds all the power?), and secondly, is not building an intrinsic love of food. In fact, it may even do the opposite “eat this yucky stuff so you get the yummy stuff”.

3. Hiding v teaching – again, hiding is a super popular tactic on Dr Google. There are whole cookbooks dedicated to sneaking cauliflower into Mac & Cheese or spinach into muffins.

Now, I am all for integrating fruit and veggies into food if that makes them easier to eat. There is no reason not to add greens to a smoothie or apple sauce to pancakes.

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But and it’s a big but, it’s not to ‘trick’ a child into eating things they would not otherwise eat.

Why not hide?:

– It is breaking the trust that is essential for helping a child overcome fussy eating.

– If a child does discover some spinach in a muffin, it could be like us finding a hair in ours (not a nice feeling).

– A child is not learning to eat anything they don’t know about. Long term this will not have them happily munching on spinach and beetroot.

4. Cheering v acknowledgment – when your child masters something like swimming or reading we are conditioned to react with a tonne of praise.

Unfortunately, in an eating sphere this can backfire on us.

Firstly, it is setting a child up to eat to please us, rather than them eating for intrinsic reasons such as, “I want to eat the broccoli because it tastes nice, and it helps me grow”.

Secondly, it can inadvertently add pressure. Fussy eaters are by definition less comfortable around food than competent eaters. If you cheer when they eat something new, it can set up expectations for the next time that food is served.

If they are then not able to eat the food second time around, they can feel like they have failed themselves and us.

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5. Volume v innate cues – as a society we have become a little obsessed with portion sizes.

Everywhere we look we are told to have x amount of this or that. Every packet we buy has percentage of daily calories etc.

I find it fascinating as we are all so different. We are a whole unique package of gender, age, genetics and activity.

What is the perfect portion size for most ‘middle-aged’ women may not be at all applicable to me.

In turn, we often portion size for our children. There are many guides which explain how many cups or spoons of this or that they should be eating.

I know this causes enormous amounts of stress for many parents, as their child is not eating according to the plan.

However, as is true of adults, what works for one child is not necessarily a fit for another. Some children seem to have hollow legs and be constantly hungry. Others live on crackers and air.

When you focus on volume, you can inadvertently add both pressure and an unnatural approach to food into the equation. For example, having a child sit at the table until they have cleared their plate.

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Doing this can also override innate cues that tell them when they have had enough food and should stop. Or, when they are truly hungry and need more.

If a child consistently doesn’t eat or consistently overeats it can also interfere with internal cues so it’s important for you to have structure and parameters in place (see Trying food – the basics for an hour long video which goes into this in detail: https://theconfidenteater.com/product/encouraging-exploration-the-basics/

There are many ways you can consciously or inadvertently put youself into the middle of the feeding relationship – and when you have a child who does struggle to eat well, it is even more likely!

However, gently removing ourselves does have great long-term advantages.

Doing this can be quite challenging though as you are often fighting against years of your own conditioning.

If you are wanting to make changes and would like more support, please get in touch as there are some fabulous and budget-friendly ways in which we can help.

Also, if this was a must read for friends or family, please feel free to share it with them.

5 top tips for holidays with a fussy eater. Fussy eaters NZ, Judith Yeabsley|Fussy Eating NZ, vacation tips with a fussy eater, Judith Yeabsley, #holidaytipswithafussyeater, #holidaytipsforpickyeaters, #vacationtipsforfussyeaters, #vactiontipswithapickyeater, #helpaddingfoodsfussyeating, #helpfortoddlerfussyeaters, #helpfortoddlerpickyeaters, #helpaddingfoodforpickyeaters, #theconfidenteater, #fussyeatingNZ, #pickyeatingNZ #helpforpickyeaters, #helpforpickyeating, #recipespickyeaterswilleat, #recipesfussyeaterswilleat #winnerwinnerIeatdinner, #Recipesforpickyeaters, #Foodforpickyeaters, #wellington, #NZ, #judithyeabsley, #helpforfussyeating, #helpforfussyeaters, #fussyeater, #fussyeating, #pickyeater, #pickyeating, #supportforpickyeaters, #creatingconfidenteaters, #newfoods, #bookforpickyeaters, #thepickypack, #funfoodsforpickyeaters, #funfoodsdforfussyeaters

Judith, MA Cantab (Cambridge University), MSc Psychology (first-class honours), is working on a PhD, is an AOTA accredited picky eating advisor and internationally certified nutritional therapist. She works with 100+ families every year resolving fussy eating and returning pleasure and joy to the meal table.

She is also mum to two boys and the author of Creating Confident Eaters and Winner Winner I Eat Dinner. Her dream is that every child can approach food from a place of safety and joy, not fear.

Learn more about Judith here: https://theconfidenteater.com/about/

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